9w3d

Here is my most recent belly shot, which was actually taken yesterday.  I figured I would take advantage of the tight shirt I was wearing so I wouldn't have to bare my belly for the Internet!  I am definitely starting to see a little somethin' there, it seems like it got bigger this last week but more rounder, so I think it's mainly bloat.  The August Due Date Club I joined has a place where you can post belly shots and it seems like around this time women have a pretty good bloaty belly and the next week it goes down some and then is a baby belly from there, if that makes sense.  All I know is I just feel very thick...


I am so thankful to have made it this far!  I still have 3 1/2 weeks to get to get to 13 weeks, but I am thanking God for every day I have this little baby in my tummy.  This pregnancy has literally been one of the most stressful experiences of my life - I think the bleeding I had early on definitely made my fears worse, but even at this point I am not allowing myself to really get excited or think about the future.  I just feel like I can't do it yet. The biggest support for me has been my girlfriends that have emailed to check up on me, or my friend Annie who has literally emailed with me almost every day of this pregnancy and has probably spent hours talking about symptoms and reassuring me.  I have learned that I really need that interaction with women that have experienced pregnancy before, just to ease my mind of my constant fears.  


I came across this verse yesterday and so I printed it out and now have a copy in front of me at work and a copy in my car, and am going to put one on my fridge at home:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalms 139: 13-16

First of all, I tear up every.single.time I read it, and secondly, it's been such a comfort to me.  I went to the doctor on Wednesday for my monthly check up and I was only 9w1d at that appointment.  She told me we could try to listen for the heartbeat on the Doppler, but that if we didn't hear it, I had to promise I wouldn't worry because it really isn't common to hear it that early.  We tried for it and unfortunately, didn't hear it.  And I wouldn't say I'm worried about it because I DO know that it is very early, and the girls in my Due Date Club said most of their docs don't even try for it until week 12 or 13.  So that helped me some, but reading this verse helped me the most.  GOD - the One that created this baby and loves it even more than I do - knows the number of its days!  Even in a worst case scenario - that there's no heartbeat - I can rest in knowing that He has always been in control and that His works are so wonderful.  


Okay, I'm going to start doing these little questionnaire things - they're easier than trying to come up with what to talk about!  

How far along? 9 weeks, 3 days

Total weight gain: None, actually am down 4lbs

Maternity clothes? Nope, but leggings are my favorite, along with unbuttoning my pants.  I just feel like wearing tight pants hurts my bloaty tummy right now.

Stretch marks? None...and I will be buying some kind of oil or magic potion to keep them away!

Sleep: Not been so great, I'm typically awake 3-5x a night to either go to the bathroom or wake up from nausea

Best moment this week: Making it to my 2nd Dr appointment!  I've been so gun-shy to think about things or really even plan for them that I didn't write down dr appointments on my work calendar until about a week before them.

Miss Anything? I miss drinking coffee, having energy, feeling good, going to the gym....

Movement: Nope (though some girls in my DDC - due date club - say they swear they can feel movement at 10, 11 weeks.  Makes me laugh)

Food cravings: Cottage cheese & tomatoes.  Ramen (ick)

Food aversions: EGGS.  The thought of eating an egg sounds beyond disgusting to me.  Coffee (sad face).  I also don't miss drinking alcohol, the thought of it turns my stomach now.

Gender: No idea...even though we're hoping for a boy, I just feel like it might be a girl!

Labor Signs: None

Symptoms: Morning sickness, for sure.  Threw up for the 1st time this week.  Lots of small headaches.  Tender breasts (but that comes and goes).  Super tired but for me it's more of a lack of energy, I wouldn't say I'm sleeping more.  Going to bed a little earlier, that's all.  

Belly Button in or out? In

Wedding rings on or off? On

Looking forward to: My follow up appointment in 2 weeks to try again for the heartbeat on the Doppler.  If we don't hear it they will do a quick ultrasound.  I'm excited for it, but also get SO nervous for appointments like these, so if you're reading, please say a prayer for me!  Oh - and also looking forward to getting out of the 1st trimester!

8w3d

I've decided that Fridays will be the day I post my belly shot, so here is the latest one:

I kinda feel like I just look thick in this picture, but I can definitely see a difference.  Not to mention I've lost 8-9 pounds since my first photo.


No new symptoms this week, except that my breasts aren't as sore as they once were.  Of course that worries me a little bit but supposedly that's normal?  I don't know.  For a while they had gone back and forth being sore, but now they're really not sore at all.  I had a spotting scare on Wednesday night, I had gone to the bathroom and was so surprised to see a little bit of pink on the tissue, and the 2nd time I went to the bathroom there was a little bit more, which really caused me to panic.  But Brad prayed for me, and it went away completely.  I've also had a fair amount of brown discharge but I called and talked to my dr's nurse and she said that's totally normal and fine.


I won't lie, this pregnancy has been so stressful to me in a lot of ways.  I have enjoyed it at times, but it's  not been what I would call ideal.  I know there's some women that have it worse than I do, but I truly am stressed so much of the time.  Brad has handled it all (read: ME) very well, but I also feel badly cause I have no energy and feel sick so much of the time that most nights are spent sitting around (or me laying around), not making any kind of dinner, the house has definitely not been as clean as I would prefer to have it...it's just changed a lot of things.  I keep saying, I will be SO happy to get out of the 1st trimester.


I have a doctor appointment next Wednesday, I'm looking forward to getting in there and talking things over with her!  AND praying so hard to hear a heartbeat!

8w2d

I have definitely felt an increase in morning sickness this week.  It comes on in the morning pretty slightly and is fairly noticeable during the day, but at night it seems to be the worst.  I bought some Sea Bands which I've found to be extremely helpful.  I'm starting to feel bad cause my diet is just terrible.  Here's what I eat on a daily basis:


Peach Greek Yogurt (breakfast)
Canned peaches
Mandarin oranges (snack)
Mashed Potatoes (lunch - today I put broccoli on them)
Mandarin oranges (snack)
Crackers (if I get hungry - but I am sick to death of eating crackers and they're almost gross to me now)
Mashed Potatoes or Mac & Cheese (Dinner)


I guess I just have to thank God that I've not been too sick to take my prenatal cause this baby sure ain't getting any nutrients from me!


I also drank a tiny bit (maybe 4 ounces) of Coke yesterday and today.  I felt guilty so I probably won't drink it anymore.  However, it probably was good for me to "let loose" a little bit!  


This week I've also experienced an increase in lower back aches, which for some reason makes me a little paranoid, even though my favorite Pregnancy book (called something like Pregnancy MD: Your Guide to the 1st Trimester, but can't find it on Amazon even though I bought it there for my Kindle??) says it's totally normal and that even mild cramping is normal at this time.  


I am definitely starting to see a little tummy, although at this point I am certain it is a bloat!  Sometimes in the afternoons I get downright uncomfortable - my belly will almost hurt a little bit so then I'll unbutton my pants and feel better right away.  


Also feeling an increase in fatigue this week.  Today at my desk I honestly felt like I couldn't even think straight, I was so tired.  I've noticed it gets a little better in the evenings for me, though, but after I take my bath and eat I'm just about done.  


Overall, I am so, so thankful I've made it this far and am so ready to be nearing the "home stretch" of the 1st trimester!  I definitely still have a couple weeks before I reach that "home stretch", though.  I have an appointment next week with my OB and I'm praying, praying, praying I will hear the heartbeat at that appointment.  I know it's not common but I have heard of it happening, so I'm praying for it!  

1st ultrasound - 7w0d

After having the ultrasound of my hemorrhage, they dated me at 5w2d on December 31st.  I was originally scheduled for my dating ultrasound at what my doctor figured would be around 7-8 weeks, so Brad met me at the hospital on January 11th for u/s #2 (I had called my doctor that Monday before the u/s to see if it was necessary for me to come since I had just had one, but she wanted to check on the size of the SCH and confirm dating so she still had me come in).
I was a ball of nerves on Wednesday.  I had read of many stories where women went in and there was no heartbeat, no development...nothing.  And though I figured I had to have something going on due to my symptoms, you still just never knew.  The drive to the hospital was spent praying for God to prepare my heart for whatever He had, and also thanking Him that Brad would be there with me!
We got right in with the tech and she had me lay down on the table, and then she squirted the warm gel on my stomach and begin moving the ultrasound wand (WHAT is it called??) over my belly.  She didn't say anything immediately but asked me, "Have you been having irregular periods?" and I told her yes, wondering where she could be going with it.  But she didn't go anywhere with it, thank God, cause then she turned the screen towards me and said, "There's your little peanut!"

See how it looks like there is a little head pointing down?  That is actually the yolk sac, where the embryo/baby gets its nutrition from right now.  The baby itself is the little peanut-shaped thing above the yolk sac.

And there it was, indeed our little peanut, up on the screen.  Then she pointed out the amazing thing of all, the little itty bitty heartbeat flickering away!  It was just so nuts to see this little flashing thing inside of my belly, still makes me shake my head to think about it.  She said the heartbeat measured at 152bpm, which also made me happy to hear there was such a strong little heart in there.


The best news came the following day when I got a call from my doctor saying that my ultrasound looked awesome and that my hemorrhage had completely gone away.  What an answer to prayer!  


Since we all like belly pics and stats....

This was taken at what I thought was 5 weeks, but really was a little over 4...so, nothing to see here :)

7w3d - definitely wouldn't say I have a belly, but I do think I have more of that pointy curve women get early on?

SYMPTOMS....

Morning Sickness - I have noticed an increase in morning sickness within the last week.  I haven't come close to vomiting (thankfully) but I do seem to have that fairly constant feeling of ickiness.  Some days are better than others, and I think that when I get food in my stomach I tend to feel better the following day.  My prenatals are taken at night and that has started to cause some nauseousness in the middle of the night, which is a miserable feeling.  

Food Aversions/Cravings - I haven't had any "aversions" to anything in particular, the only thing is coffee.  I used to live and breathe for coffee in the morning and I haven't had a cup for probably a week and a half now.  I can drink a soy chai as I find those mild and not so offensive as coffee, so I've been having a few of those (caffeine-free).  In regards to food, very few things sound good to me most of the time, although today was an odd day in that I ate Chinese for dinner.  I don't eat as much as I used to, I think that even though I'll eat what's around (like Chinese or spaghetti at the in-laws) I don't really care to eat a whole lot of it.  As far as cravings, also wouldn't say I've had those yet but I have been eating a lot of the same things - Dole canned peaches, mandarin oranges (both in the cup and the real deal), love Bob Evans Mashed Potatoes (the kind you buy already made at the grocery store).  Also eating lots of crackers and drinking lots of Sprite.

Breast Tenderness - I have definitely experienced this!  They have been very tender, and while the tenderness has tapered off since I found out I was pregnant, I am still aware of their sensitivity.

Fatigue - This has been an interesting one for me.  Everyone said "you will feel so tired you won't know what to do" and "You'll be able to fall asleep anywhere" and on and on.  So far I haven't experienced that kind of tiredness, although I have been very tired for ME.  I'm not generally someone that ever takes a nap, and rarely ever falls asleep on the couch cause I just don't care for sleeping there.  So maybe it's not surprising that I'm not dead asleep all the time.  However, my house and fridge can attest to my complete lack of energy! (as can my husband, ha)

Randoms - Definitely noticed more gas and even gas pains...there's been a few times that I've been alarmed at pain in my stomach thinking it's cramps and then I'll realize, "oh...that was gas."  Have had very, very vivid dreams pretty much since week 4 or 5.  Also noticing the "afternoon bloat" - I swear, from morning to night I will GROW a stomach.  It is so funny!  After I eat lunch in the afternoon I'll go to the bathroom and seriously marvel at my stomach and how it just pooches out.  Oh, and probably the most annoying symptom - getting up at night 2 or 3 times to go potty.  Hate that.  

Overall, I have just been so thankful for this incredible blessing.  Every now and then I'll be sitting by myself and whether it's the hormones or just being completely humbled by God, I will start crying when I think about how thankful I am for this little miracle.  I am all too aware that I am still so very early and anything could still happen, but I am truly learning so much about myself and God's goodness through this amazing experience.  I am starting to let myself feel excited for the possibility of this pregnancy and little baby, and while it does scare me at times to be hopeful and excited in case something does happen, I would not trade those moments of excitement for anything....because those moments are honestly when I'm the most grateful and thankful to God for giving me this gift!

Confirmation, the 1st appt, and the scare

Considering that I had found out our big news the week before Christmas, we knew that would be the perfect time to tell Brad's family.  I scheduled a confirmation appointment with my clinic for Friday, December 23rd.  I went in and took the urine test, the whole time afraid that they would come in and tell me I wasn't, in fact, pregnant (that's what reading infertility message boards will do for you - make you worry needlessly).  After my test they took my blood pressure, where the nurse informed me that, if I WAS pregnant, that my blood pressure was much too high.  I wasn't worried about it; I knew it was much more related to nerves than having high BP!  After what felt like a long wait, the PA walked in the room and sat down.
"Now, did you have a positive pregnancy test at home?" He asks me, and I swear I can see concern written all over his face.
At this point, my heart sinks and I think, my worst fears have come true.  But I tell him yes, and he perks up. "Well, that's great, cause we have one too!"
Yeah, I pretty much wanted to kick him in the face at that moment.  He told me my EDD (estimated due date) based on my LMP (last monthly period -- all these abbreviations!) would be August 24th.  He then proceeded to measure my belly, which basically involved him pressing around on my lower abdomen, making a mark and then pronouncing me at about 5 weeks along.  I was so impressed, I had no idea you could even tell on my stomach that I was pregnant yet.  I later found out by my OB...you can't :)  (In her words, "He didn't know what he was talking about."  Ha!)
The next night we told Brad's family, which there isn't a really big story to that because we knew they would figure out something was up when I wasn't drinking.  We were all sitting around the table (his 7 brothers & sisters, their spouses and Brad's parents) and Leanne (Brad's mom) offered me a drink.  I kind of glanced at Brad cause it was the 2nd or 3rd time she had offered me one that night and I knew I couldn't get away with it for long.  Brad jumped on the opportunity and said, "Well, since everyone's here - " and that was as far as he could get before his sister and Mom jumped up, eyes as big as pies, and looked at me like, "Is it true???" and I just nodded, and they all started yelling and everyone came over and hugged us and congratulated us....it was a very memorable moment.


That following Wednesday I had my first appointment with my OB.  I was pretty prepared for what to expect since I had talked to a couple friends at what those appointments entailed, so I felt better going in.  (I hate going to the doctor with an extreme passion).  I went in and gave a urine sample (they do them at every appointment) and then got to meet my OB, Dr. D (shortened for privacy).  It was only her 2nd day working at the clinic, but I knew I would love her.  She was young, very knowledgeable yet funny, very cute...I immediately felt at ease with her.  We went over the million questions they ask you, and then she told me to "suit up" for the Pap smear.  We did the Pap, breast exam, and internal exam, and after that they took a big panel of blood tests to test for HIV, Hep B, Rh factor, etc.  All in all, it took 2 hours and I left feeling more informed and excited for my pregnancy.


Then came Friday.  I had been working at home that week and that evening was expecting my stepdad and sister for a visit from IL.  We had been waiting to tell them about the pregnancy until we saw them.  However, that afternoon I went to the bathroom for one of the million times that day and my blood froze when I saw a fair amount of red blood - the kind they say you shouldn't have - on the toilet paper.  (This will maybe get TMI, so don't read if you have a sensitive stomach).  I kept wiping and it was still coming up red.  At that point, my heart was pounding and I was certain something was very wrong, despite the fact that I hadn't had any noticeably strong cramps.  I immediately called the clinic, where they asked a few questions to determine if I should come in or not.  The nurse checked with Dr.D who said if I wanted to come in she would see me.  I did, and headed in right away.


I drove to the hospital, praying the whole way that the big M was not happening...but also that I would just be in God's will, no matter what.  They got me in right away, where Dr.D decided to do an internal exam to check my cervix.  In the event of a miscarriage the cervix begins to open, probably much the way it does when you're on your menstrual cycle.  Thankfully mine was closed, but she wanted to have me go for an ultrasound anyway.  She also decided to check my HCG level, which would tell her if the pregnancy hormones were high in my body or not.  At this point I called Brad and asked him to come meet me, and I went to wait for my ultrasound.  I finally got in there - Brad showed up right as I was going on and considering it would be a transvaginal u/s, I decided to go in on my own - and laid down on the table, and I remember feeling SO nervous.  I was so afraid that they would tell me there wasn't anything there, that my uterus was empty.  I tried to breathe as the tech put the goo on my belly and started to move the doppler (? not sure what it's called) around.  She was silent the whole time, just watching the screen.  She finished up and told me we would need to do a transvaginal u/s as well, so I disrobed and watched her come at me with the giant transponder...it was a little intimidating, ha.  However, it wasn't painful at all, and she told me before she started, "If there's anything I can show you, I will."  But she never showed me anything, so at that point I began to feel pretty low.


When she was done I went out and met Brad, who was definitely being very sensitive to me and my emotions, but also stayed positive the whole while and wouldn't let me get too worked up until we talked with the doctor.  We headed back over to my clinic and waited for Dr.D to come in.  She walked in the room and sat down and said, "Well, everything looks good!" and I interrupted her and said, "It does?" - I seriously couldn't believe it.  She nodded and said all was well, that they were able to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac, and that I was measuring at 5 weeks and 2 days - which was 4 days behind where I thought I was (but I wasn't surprised as I ovulated late).  She said my HCG was at 31,000, which was actually a really great number (the average around that time is about 7000).  Because it was so high she felt she didn't need to have me come back to confirm that the numbers were doubling (which for most people is the true test of the fetus developing - the numbers should double every 48 hours).  Then she told me the reason for the bleeding - a subchorionic hemorrhage, otherwise known as an SCH.  They're basically a little sac of blood that develops on the uterus and can cause bleeding.  She said they're very common and with most women, their bodies will reabsorb them with no problems.  She did caution that they can cause an increased risk in miscarriages, which I hated hearing, but overall, it was a great appointment that confirmed that, for the most part, things were progressing very nicely!

the background

Well....here it is!  The blog for the baby-to-come.  At this point, this blog is for me, but soon I'll share it with my close friends and family.


Where to begin?  I think Brad and I have a pretty neat story of how this little bean-in-the-belly came to be.  For the last couple years, I've dreamed and hoped and prayed and taken pregnancy test-after-pregnancy-test, just hoping that God would surprise us with a little baby.  Never mind the fact that there was one big wall standing in front of me: Brad just wasn't ready to have a baby.  At all.  He always said after two years of being married, that we could start trying then.  Made sense to me, but let me tell you...those two years were a looong two years!  Believe me, we had fun - did a fair amount of traveling and going out and spent tons of time together and with friends and family.  But the whole while I secretly hoped we'd get an "Oops".  We never did.


After about a year and a half of no "Oops" and no birth control (for me, at least), and factoring in that I have the longest, weirdest cycles ever, I was getting more and more convinced that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  I just knew it.  Everyone I talked to would say, "Don't worry!  You haven't even tried yet."  But I knew way too many people who had "oops" babies for me to be reassured by that.  Every few months Brad and I would have the "kids" discussion and it was the same thing -- me fighting for a baby, him bucking me on it.  Well, August of 2011 - the Two Year Mark - finally rolled around, and I was ready to make a baby.  Brad?  Notsomuch.  He said to me, "If you're ready to start trying then we can..." in the way that I knew meant he would only being doing it for me, and not because he was excited or ready to have a baby.  I cried and yelled and eventually told him, "I will NOT have a baby that I'm the only one excited for."  [Keep in mind...he would've been excited to have a baby if it would've happened.  But the timing back then he would've never chosen.]  So we - I - kept waiting.


At the end of November, something miraculous had happened.  I finally realized that for the first time in my life, I was content where I was.  I had a new job that I loved, Brad and I were super happy together and living a great life, I had a lot of things going for me and suddenly, I didn't feel that I needed to have a baby more than anything in this world.  Yes, I still wanted a baby...but I was okay to wait for God to work it out.


I'll never forget the night Brad and I had The Conversation.  Standing in our kitchen, we were talking about our life and possibly building a house, and how much I liked my job, and the topic of children came up.  And Brad said, essentially, that he was ready to start trying to have a baby.  Ready and excited.  I almost fell over from the shock.  When I least expected it, here was my husband telling me he was ready to finally have a baby!


I shook my head and marveled at God's timing...and that same week, I had the "smiley face" on the ovulation test, so we "made a go for it!"  [sorry, how do you say that without alerting skeeves to your blog??]


About a week and a half later, to make a long story short, I found out that a friend of mine was pregnant.  While I was very happy for her and her husband (one of Brad's best childhood friends), finding out her news absolutely gutted me.  This girl was much younger than me and her being pregnant left me as the last married, non-pregnant/mom in the whole town, I swear.  I got in the car after leaving their house and cried the whole way to a bar, where Brad and I did a shot of Jack Daniels [in honor of our trip the week before to Tennessee, ha] and I'm sure I cried some more the next few days.


I spent the next week immersing myself in prayer and worship music and begging God to please let me understand and accept His timing.  And while it was a tough week, I slowly began to come out the depths and realize that His way is always the best, and I would do it His way, in His timing.  I had happened to email a girlfriend at the end of that week and asked if we could get together to talk, I just felt like I needed to be around a woman more my age who, while having young kids, I've always found to be such a model of a strong woman and someone that understands God's timing.  Here is part of her response to me:




But, you know what, Seanna...even after everything that I went through...God was testing my resolve, my faith, and teaching me truly what it means to have a peace that passeth all understanding. God longs to give us the desires of our hearts...He is faithful! Rest in Him...He is preparing you, so just REST!




I read this and start crying, even now!  But when I read these words...and especially the part that He was preparing me, I sat at my desk at work and cried and cried.  And then I cried on the way home.  Not out of sadness, but out of that "God is SO good" gratefulness, and also with the bittersweet emotions that can come with truly letting your heart line up with His.  It feels so good and right, and yet there's always that part of our human will that will fight it.


That email was on a Thursday...and Saturday was the day that my world was turned upside down!


Keep in mind, we had "tried" that month based off of the ovulation test, and I was also taking my temperatures to track my basal body temperature, which is a way of monitoring fertility.  I was recording little symptoms here and there, but remember - I was still certain I would NEVER get pregnant on the 1st shot!


So Saturday I had went to WalMart to get a few things and I remember thinking when driving in to the parking lot that I wanted to buy a pregnancy test, but decided that I would wait cause I was only 9 days after ovulation (which is really early to get a positive pregnancy test).  However, I got in there and decided, "What the heck," and bought a package of First Response tests.  I drove home and was putting my groceries away and remembered that I had the tests.  I ripped the box open and headed for the bathroom, shaking my head at myself the whole time.


So that's why when the 2nd pink line showed up right away, I almost DIED!

I ran out and showed it to Brad, and at that point, it wasn't as dark as the picture here (that was after about 5 min) and he kept telling me to "go test again"...until the line got really dark and he was like, "Wow, okay...that's a very definite line."  We hugged, I was shaking and laughing and seriously, the best feeling was seeing the pure excitement in his eyes.  He was ready.  


At that point, I had figured I had ovulated 9 days prior, but looking at how dark the test was, I wasn't sure if it had happened sooner.  However, that night I wanted to be absolutely sure, and they say that if you want to be absolutely sure then to test with a digital test.  So I made Brad go to Walgreens with me and get the digi test (where he almost died at how expensive pregnancy tests are).  We came home and I tested again, and sure enough, it came up "PREGNANT"!


The next week was a crazy whirlwind of emotions and emails with girlfriends and most of all, the deepest sense of amazement and gratitude at what God had done.  I was sitting at work thinking about being pregnant and how it had all happened, and Ephesians 3:20 popped into my head:


"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us"


I so felt that getting pregnant right at this time was the most perfect example of what it meant for God to do "immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine" -- I know my faith is small, because I never would've dreamed to ask God to give me the blessing of pregnancy the first month of trying!  But He did, and while I am still very early on this journey, I have already learned what it is to have more -- more of Him and His goodness, His peace, His will, His timing, and His blessing!